pandora's box

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

My boyfriend of about a year and half told me that he wasnt in love with me today. Correction; he told me that it was hard for him to say he was in love with me.

Though, he didn't mean to hurt me by telling me this, never in my life has something someone said hurt more.

For the past year and a half, I've been trying to find a place for myself in his life and in his heart. All this time, I feel like all I've hit are walls. Just when I finally think I'm getting closer, he tells me he's not in love with me.

Now we're taking a "break." But it's more like we're breaking up until he can figure out whether he still wants to be with me not. And I have absolutely no hope. I don't know if he'll come back to me or not. I just know it's going to be a painful wait.

Posted in Boyfriend

Last weekend I spent Saturday night over at my boyfriends. On Sunday afternoon my mom calls me and leaves me a message saying the cops are looking for me again. I call her back and she's yelling about my car. She was visited by a couple of Orange County cops asking where I was that weekend and saying they found my car abandoned in San Diego.

My boyfriend lives in San Diego, but my parents don't know about him. I told her I went to see a Padres game so I spent the night with my friend and her relatives in San Diego so we could beat traffic the next morning. She tells me to go see if my car is still parked where it was, so I run outside to the top of the hill and see  that it's still there at the bottom where I parked it on the side of the road. She demands I come home immediately because she's concerned that the cops are looking for me for the second time in two weeks. I sigh and say I'll be home soon.

Ten minutes later I get a call from San Diego police asking me if I own a '97 Black Honda Civic. I confirm that I do and they tell me to go outside because the Sherrif is waiting by my car. I come downstairs and run down the hill to meet him with my boyfriend and this is the first time I've actually looked inside my car.

The first thing I notice is that all my junk is in the back seat. There's an empty condom wrapper on the passenger seat with my bra and g-string from the night before. (Well, actually the underwear is from some luggage I never brought back into the house a year ago. The wrapper is from the night before). All the contents of my glove compartment are lying in a mess in the back. A huge mountain of paperwork, including my insurance papers and registration, and the christmas card I got from my brother with my baby nephew on the front. The only thing that was left alone was Hello Kitty sitting on the dashboard.

Then I see the real damage. All the wiring underneath my steering wheel has been ripped out. The casing around the base of the wheel is broken and lying in pieces on the floor. The passenger side window has been popped out. The ignition has been chiseled the crap out of.

Who ever broke into my car was trying to steal it from me, and my guess is that they werent professionals, because they only managed to completely fuck my car up.

I'm swearing, kicking the car, basically throwing a tantrum in front of the Sherrif and my boyfriend. I apologize to the Sherrif and he says it's understandable, and to go right ahead and vent.

The auto repair shop called me today. It's going to cost me $995 to fix this mess.

Went to sleep at around 5:00 AM on Sunday. (Well, Monday morning). I dont remember what I was doing for four hours, but I do remember hanging out with Anisha till 12:30, and then getting home at 1:30 because I had to take surface roads all the way back home from Cerritos. The I-5 South was closed off at Artesia and Shrek III wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be.

My family is in Boston this week. The power was out in my house all day, so I came home to a dark and empty house that's starting to smell a little funky.

Someone calls me at 3:00 AM asking for Miguel. Who the hell is Miguel?

"There's no Miguel here. It's 3:00 AM."
"WHO?"
"You have the wrong number, sir."
"EH?"
"It's 3:00 In the morning..."
"Miguel?!?"
*click*.

I dick around till 5:00, like I said, and finally goto sleep... only to wake up at 7:00, when my uncle finally comes home from San Diego and drops by my place to fix the power in my house. And then there was light. Finally. I drift back to sleep after he goes home, but he calls at 8:00 asking me what I had done last night.

"What do you mean? I went to see a movie, and then I came home."
"Well the cops are looking for you. They came last night and asked Aaron about you."
"Could it be my registration? It's expired and I've had this ticket for two months now. But they dont send cops after you for an unattended ticket."
"Did you hit and run?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"

I scribble down a number that the deputy left my little cousin for me to call. I call but theres no answer, so I leave a message and scratch my head, wondering why the cops would be looking for me. I know my car is registered under my uncle's address because I was living with him back then, which explains why the cops came to his house instead of mine. 

Could it be the tussle I'd gotten in two weeks ago? Nah, I didnt even do much damage to the bitch that was hanging all over my boyfriend all night, then requested some privacy with him when I returned from the restroom. Besides, that was two weeks ago. If she had reported me to the authorities, she would have done it sooner. And she attacked me first anyway.

My dad calls. I explain to him that I didn't do anything, so I dont know why 5-0 would be after me. My mom calls. I dont understand why my dad didnt just relay the information to her. I explain for the second time that I have no idea what's going on.

My brother calls. My sister calls. My uncle calls again. My boyfriend calls... my older cousin told him everything. He wants to make sure I call him if I get arrested.

I call joemar, a little pissed off at this point, and he jokes that I should stop cocaine trafficing and selling my body for weed.

Later in the afernoon, I goto my uncle's for dinner, and while I'm driving back home, I get pulled over. The deputy wants to know about my ex boyfriend. I haven't spoken to him in a year. He violated the terms of his probation and skipped town. Good riddance I say. Even when he's not around me, he's causing me all sorts of stress and anxiety.

Posted in Night Life

I've never in my life been truly ashamed of myself or of something I've done until just recently. I was weak. There's no excuse.

I've been someone else for the past two months. I've lost a lot. I had a death in the family. I was banned from competition because of my health. My mother has been sick. My dad doesnt make much money. I'm basically the primary source of income in my home. There's so much pressure on me now.

All of these are good reasons to allow such weakness to show its ugly face in my life. If I were simple. If I were stupid. If I were truly ugly inside.

But I'm not. I'm strong. In the face of adversity, I always come out on top. And the other night? I made a mistake. I made a mistake that might ruin a lot of relationships in my life. And I betrayed not only those relationships but myself as well. And I want to hurt now. Because I deserve nothing less.

God please forgive me.

I'm starting a group video blog site with Anisha and Joemar. It's basically going to be like any other subdomain hosting thing but instead of hosting regular blogs or portfolios, its going to only be for video blogs.

I'm thinking one of the following domain names:

takes-gumption.net
simply-this.net
taste-this.net
finding-utopia.net
latenightspecial.net
face-valu.net

If anyone wants in on this project, let me know.

Requirements:
Must own a digital camcorder (obviously).
Must be able to mantain your own website. Spectacular design skills is not a must. (I'll have a generic template ready for people who dont do much designing.)
Must speak english fluently and eloquently.
Must have interesting blogs. I dont want you sitting in the dark at your desk rambling on about your day. Take your camera out in the real world.

Posted in Design / Art